This will probably be brief(ish) but you get a surprise at the end so that’ll take that sting right outta there.
So, as stated yesterday, I had to go to the drugstore and get a mouthguard. The mouthguard is so I don’t continue grinding away on my teeth due to all the daytime stress that translates into nighttime stress and that, apparently, I am taking out on my poor jaw and teeth.
Hee! STRESS SHIELD! Yeah, I’m thinking this isn’t going to work.
(I think it’s lucky I’m not nighttime-punching or something. Poor Dumbcat. He’d get like a punch in the middle of the night and be all, “MOM WHY ME WHAT DID I DO?” and I wouldn’t even be awake to respond. So I suppose my nighttime destructiveness isn’t hurting anyone but me. Much like most of my daytime destructiveness, if we’re honest.)
This is a terrifying illustration. I don’t care for this at all.
So I went to the drugstore and had four choices of mouthguards. One was the most expensive. It also seemed to have metal and springs involved. I was not too keen on putting metal and springs in my mouth. Doesn’t that seem like a mistake and also you’d wake up and have given yourself, like, LITERAL LOCKJAW or something? Also, I have a tongue ring, and I just KNOW that’d get all tangled in there. No thanks.
The next one down price-wise seemed very reasonable and had reassuring comments on the box.
The other two looked very cheap, and like they would slice my gums to ribbons with sharp plastic. I was not a fan of waking up all bloody-gummed. It didn’t seem like a better option than grinding my teeth to stumps.
So I got the second-most-expensive one and when I got it home, I took out the instruction sheet and HOLY CRAP was it detailed.
You had to boil water. Then put the mouthguard in a special plastic bracket. Then put the mouthguard in the boiling water for three minutes to soften it. Then dip it for NO MORE THAN TEN SECONDS ZOMG! in room-temperature water. Then RUN TO THE BATHROOM and insert (hee) the bracket containing the softened mouthguard in your mouth, being VERY SURE it lined up properly to your two front teeth. Then you had to CHOMP ALL DOWN AS HARD AS YOU COULD for TWO WHOLE MINUTES. This was not an easy task because I have TMJ so I can’t chomp down for longer than a few seconds or my jaw locks up. So I was standing there counting off seconds with my locky jaw radiating out ALL THE PAIN while I waited for this thing to settle into the shape of my teeth.
This is the thing I bought. FANCY SCHMANCY.
Then you ran it under cool water and made sure it fit your teeth.
IT DID!
But it makes me sound like an 80s nerd when I talk, which is kind of more hilarious than it need be. So I walked around saying things with my mouthguard in like a BOSS.
(Mom was all, “You know you’re not really obligated to TALK with that thing in, right? You’re just supposed to wear it to sleep. And you don’t TALK while you’re SLEEPING.” Well, most people don’t, Mom. I do. I’ve been told by both roommates AND romantic conquests that I’m QUITE chatty in my sleep about a BROAD variety of topics, none of which make much sense, thank you very much.)
So…I promised to show you all my pretty, pretty mouthguard, which will, undoubtedly, make me very popular with suitors.
So I made you a video. Because that’s how *I* roll, yo.
YOU ARE SO WELCOME.
(Yeah, I don’t know what the hell with the lighting in here, either. I promise it’s not as yellow in real life. And my hair usually doesn’t look THAT insane. I mean, INSANE, but a little LESS insane. And why in that picture does it look like my arm is growing out of my neck?)
Happy Friday, people of the blog. I hope you have the best weekends. I have a big weekend of work and running off to Massachusetts to review a murder mystery and then running home to write the review and then crashing out with my new boyfriend, Dentek the Mouthguard.
IT WILL BE HOT TIMES IN THE OLD LUCY’S FOOTBALL HOUSE LET ME TELL YOU.
(Side note: Dad says I’m not allowed to post this because if I DO, you all will start calling me “Bucketmouth.” I asked him to elaborate, and he said “You know, like people get called when they have things in their mouths.” I don’t know that anyone’s ever been called “Bucketmouth” in the history of, like, EVER, but it made me giggle. A LOT.)
